He's been on the Larry King Now show, Dr. Drew, Fox and Friends and now the Jealousy Junkie podcast!
This episode's guest is transformational speaker and best selling author, Kute Blackson and he's here to help you understand and move closer to the magic of surrender.
As jealousy junkies, we have a strong feeling to control. Control our environment, and our partner's environment in an attempt to protect ourselves.
As you'll hear from Kute, when we control, we actually give up our power. We feel more insecure, more afraid, more in a scarcity mindset.
I think this beautiful line from his book sums it up:
"Surrender is the invitation to take all limits off of life so magic can happen. More than you can imagine, more than you could ever plan, more than you could ever fathom".
That is what I want for you. More than you could ever plan and more than you could ever fathom.
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[00:00:00] Shanenn Bryant: Today's episode is centered around one word, just one word...surrender, and there's probably no better place than the Jealousy Junky podcast talk about this topic.
[00:00:16] Shanenn Bryant: I know I have the perfect person to guide you on the magic of surrender. You all are gonna be blown away. He's been on Larry King, Dr. Drew, Fox and Friends. Here with me is transformational speaker and bestselling author, Kute Blackson. Welcome.
[00:00:37] Kute Blackson: Thanks for having me.
[00:00:38] Shanenn Bryant: You know, as people who are jealous in relationships, and I know that you have experience with this so we're gonna touch on that later, I'm sure you understand, we love to control.
[00:00:50] Shanenn Bryant: Love to control our environment, our partner's environment. and that's just something that is part of it that we have to try to overcome. And you know, we think it's gonna protect us from pain. We are thinking about this protection in the future and really guarding ourselves.
[00:01:09] Shanenn Bryant: You wrote the book, the Magic of Surrender. So what does it mean to surrender?
[00:01:17] Kute Blackson: Um, yeah. I think in our culture there's so many misconceptions about the word surrender, so it can feel a bit scary. It's something we tend to resist in so many ways, but I'm really excited about helping people get excited. I get inspired about the possibility of surrendering because I believe, and I've experienced in my life, that I feel surrender is the most powerful thing that we can do.
[00:01:44] Kute Blackson: That surrender is the key to the next level. Surrender is the real password to freedom. And if you're locked in patterns of jealousy and contraction and scarcity and insecurity, there's no freedom there. So to me, surrender is the password to freedom. In our culture, there's this idea that surrender is weak.
[00:02:05] Kute Blackson: Surrender is passive. Surrender is, uh, giving up. It's waving the white flag. That if you surrender, you're going to be a victim, you're going to be a doormat, that you're going to just kind of be taken advantage of... left behind. If you surrender, you're going to miss out. You won't manifest your goals or your dreams or your desires if you surrender.
[00:02:27] Kute Blackson: You're gonna get less in life. And I'm actually saying no. If you really understand the real essence of surrender. Like what if you didn't get less? But what if you got more? More than you could have planned or more than you could have thought with the limitation of your conscious egos understanding. Like what if you got more and, then what if the more was better and more amazing and beyond what you could have planned? And so in a sense, surrender is to let go of control, or I should say, let go of the illusion that we really are in control. You know, I think the last few years have perhaps shown us that we're not as in control as we thought.
[00:03:08] Kute Blackson: And so surrender is, I think control is the master addiction, by the way, which we can get into but I think surrender is to stop trying to force something to be. What we think it should be. To force and manipulate life and relationships and experiences to be what we think it should be. But we so intently impose our will on a thing that we don't have freedom, and in the effort to control, we end up feeling controlled.
[00:03:38] Kute Blackson: We end up feeling anxious. You know, we get so attached to the idea and so surrender to let go of the idea of who we think we should be and how we think life should be and how we think a person should be so that we can be open and available. And it's in a sense, taking the limitations off of life so that we can be open and available to allowing the organic, natural, authentic, highest possibility in a situation, in an experience, in a relationship to, to reveal itself. And so I always tell people, look, trying to force something to be something that is not, doesn't make it so, and in the long run, it never works. Like trying to make someone be something in a relationship that is just or trying to make a relationship be something. That doesn't make it so. It always tends to backfire.
[00:04:34] Kute Blackson: So, surrender is letting go, is an opening, is a willingness to, let go of what's no longer working, let go of what's no longer aligned.
[00:04:42] Kute Blackson: You know, aspects of ourselves that just keeping us stuck. To let go of relationships that just are not inspiring or no longer a vibrational match so that we can make space for what is inspiring to me. I always say the next level of one's life requires the next level of you.
[00:04:59] Kute Blackson: The next level of you requires that you let go. But what we tend to do out of fear, self-preservation, is we hold on.
[00:05:05] Shanenn Bryant: Well, and I'm glad that you, talked about it, not meaning that you're weak. It doesn't mean that you are being a fool or letting yourself be taken advantage of, because I know that that is part of, especially in these relationships and these romantic relationships, where they're feeling very insecure and feeling very jealous and they're holding tight, as you said, and doing that control because they're afraid. I'm gonna try to control and hold tight to this because I don't wanna look like a fool later in the future. And everything is really about protecting the future, which to your point, leads us like we're not living the life, the higher life that we can now.
[00:05:51] Kute Blackson: Mm-hmm. .Mm-hmm.
[00:05:53] Shanenn Bryant: I don't wanna give away too much, but there's a such a beautiful line in your book, and it's early on in the book, and I wanna read it verbatim cuz I thought it was so amazing. It says surrender is the invitation to take all limits off of life so magic can happen. More than you can imagine, more than you could ever plan, more than you could ever fathom.
[00:06:17] Shanenn Bryant: I mean, I loved, love, love that sentence because when I talk with people who are really suffering from this extreme jealousy and they've got anxiety every day and they're really, they're controlling and they're having these arguments with their partner and trying to get across the life that they could have and how different my life is that I gave that up.
[00:06:41] Shanenn Bryant: That the first part of trusting is to trust, right and let that go and surrender that, how different my life is and how much more I have in life. And so I just, I loved that sentence in your book.
[00:06:54] Kute Blackson: Yeah. You know, I, I think that a lot of people focus on, oh, it's so scary to surrender. But look, I'm gonna, since we're using relationship examples on and off as well, I mean, this might be a little direct to say, but I think this will make the point because to surrender, everyone understands surrender innately.
[00:07:13] Kute Blackson: You don't have to be spiritual. You don't have to be mystical. You don't have to be into even personal growth. If anyone listening, if you think of your greatest sexual experience in relationship with your lover, that person you love and you're making love to them, the great, like think of your greatest, most blissful sexual experience that was ecstatic.
[00:07:34] Kute Blackson: I am willing to bet that you didn't come to that experience with a 17-step plan and a spreadsheet, and a business plan and a, you know, strategy going, okay, honey. Okay. Minute one, turn to the left by four inches, and then at minute three we're gonna do this position. Minute five we're gonna kiss me this way. Minute. No, no, no, no, no, no. Come back.
[00:07:57] Kute Blackson: No. What made that experience of love making so blissful? So, uh, ecstatic was for that brief moment. you let go for that moment. You, you, you let go of control. You were fully allowing yourself to feel the moment. Allow the moment, allow love to move through you. You weren't just focused on what can I get?
[00:08:22] Kute Blackson: You were focused on loving and giving and not is it enough and am I enough? And is he enough? Is she enough? You were just in the moment. You could say you dissolved, you, you, you let go of control. You were following the moment, you dissolved into the moment, became one with your lover, and there was a bliss that was present because you weren't trying to control everything.
[00:08:44] Kute Blackson: And I think in so many ways, we live our life trying to control every single thing. And it is so painful and so often in relationship, we ultimately, we don't have as much control as we think, you know, and I think in relationships when we get triggered or when we get upset or we feel jealous, or we feel like upset in some way, what we often do is we say, well, I'm upset because you did X, Y, Z, and I'm upset because of. And so in an effort to not feel upset, it's with good intention, but in an effort to no longer feel upset, we're like, well, I'm upset because you did X, Y, Z. So now we spend all of our time and energy trying to get the other person to no longer do X, Y, Z, so that we don't feel upset. And in doing that, we don't realize we are totally giving our power away. We are going into a victim position.
[00:09:43] Kute Blackson: We are making the other person responsible for how we are and how we feel, which makes us feel even more powerless, even more insecure, even more disempowered. And then we end up focusing on trying to manipulate and control the other person to be a certain way so that we can feel better.
[00:10:01] Kute Blackson: There's no freedom in that. And so I think one shift that really needs to happen is the willingness to say, okay, let me take responsibility for what I feel, and rather than focusing on what the other person is doing. Let me look at not the X, Y, Z. Let me look at the upset within me and see what that is really about.
[00:10:21] Kute Blackson: Because yes, they're triggering it, but they are not necessarily the source of it, and they're just activating and showing us the insecurity. Or the pain or the unresolved wound that was actually always in there, probably before they even showed up. And so if we're willing to see that and go, okay, I'm not gonna focus on what they're doing, I'm gonna focus on what's coming up inside of me so I can explore it, so I can deal with it, so I can heal it.
[00:10:48] Kute Blackson: So I can ultimately bring loving to those parts of me that are hurting so I can heal that part of me. And as I heal that insecurity, that pain, that inner child, that wound. Likely as I get more whole them doing X, Y, Z will, will probably trigger me less. I will feel more freedom. Them doing something will will activate me less and I have more spaciousness to respond.
[00:11:16] Kute Blackson: That doesn't mean what they're doing is okay. We still may need to set a boundary and say, you know, that's not cool, but the, the reactivity that jealous feeling, that insecurity has nothing to do with them. It really has to do with our own selves. And I think if we can heal that it transforms our relationship to the other person and the world.
[00:11:35] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah. I like that you talked about it actually makes us powerless because I know in that moment when you're controlling, you're in that protection or protective stance. You feel like you are powerful. It feels powerful. Like I'm controlling, I'm protecting, but we're actually being powerless in that moment,
[00:11:58] Shanenn Bryant: I wanted to go back cuz as you were talking about, thinking of your best, uh, sexual experience it made me think about the way we were as children and just being free. Like those are some of our best times, right? Were when we were just playing and making things up and just being free and running and doing whatever.
[00:12:21] Shanenn Bryant: And so I think, um, to your point, very interesting that, yeah, that those are our best times in adulthood as well when we're letting go.
[00:12:31] Kute Blackson: Yeah. Look, if you think about some of the best things that have happened in your life, if we all just look back, meeting your soulmate, meeting that person, that most of it, if we really honest, we didn't plan. Like, okay, 6:00 PM today I'm gonna go into the coffee shop and my soulmate will be sitting on this brown chair.
[00:12:52] Kute Blackson: It just happened. You went to the party, and you were having a great time with your best friends and boom, that thing happened. So, most of the best things that happened, we didn't plan. They happened in the process of living life itself. And so, yes, I think that surrender can feel hard, and this is what I want people to just sit with for a second as a reframe of the paradigm of surrender.
[00:13:17] Kute Blackson: I will acknowledge as human beings it can feel hard. And it can seem scary, but the truth is, to your point, surrender is our natural state. It's our natural state of beingness. I'm actually gonna challenge folks to think... surrender is easy. It's not hard. It's our natural state. How easy is it to be your natural state?
[00:13:41] Kute Blackson: We've just been conditioned, which I'll get into why, but we've been conditioned out of it. Like for those listening in, I'm making a fist and I'm holding a pen. I'm holding this pen very tightly, tightly, tightly. At first it feels hard, but eventually it feels normal. If I say, let the pen go, i.e., surrender.
[00:13:59] Kute Blackson: How easy is that? But when we've been conditioned to hold on so tightly, letting go can feel a bit scary because it's just the unknown. But to be honest, letting go is easy. And so I want people to reframe that surrender is easy. It's what's natural. Yes. You look at a child. A child will run naked through the house and pee on the floor.
[00:14:22] Kute Blackson: It doesn't know. It's just, it's happy until we're told, Hey, that's bad. Bad girl, bad boy. The child will jump on a table and sing. It doesn't care if it doesn't sound like, you know, uh, Bruno Mars or Celine Dion. We all were in that unselfconscious just free flowing state where we were just being whatever we were. Curious about life, not thinking we really knew anything cuz we were just open, we were surrendered. So, what happened? I think it might be interesting for people just to have a simple reflection on here's what happened. We incarnated into this human experience. And then we met our parents and God bless their souls.
[00:15:05] Kute Blackson: Our parents, they were just doing the best, uh, they knew how to do based on their patterns and their generations and their parents. And now we're born into a sort of preset pattern of generational conditioning. And maybe dad was crazy. Maybe mum's an alcoholic. Maybe they're fighting all the time.
[00:15:23] Kute Blackson: Maybe they're nice people, but they didn't know or have the emotional education, intelligence to know how to meet our emotional needs. And so two things happened. The first thing is that was painful. There was pain, dysfunction, trauma, hurt. There was something going on that was so painful or subtly painful that it caused us to shut down, disconnect, not feel.
[00:15:46] Kute Blackson: And so now we started to suppress and suppress and suppress and layers and layers and layers and layers of unfelt feelings began to cover up our true light. And we learned to, shall we say, create often unconsciously in reaction to life, we learned to erect walls around our heart. To disconnect from the pain of not feeling our needs were met because it was just too painful to like constantly be open and not have needs constantly be open and to not be loved in the way we need.
[00:16:16] Kute Blackson: And that's too painful. So if I just disconnect, numb, overanalyze, going to my mind, all patterns of control, then I don't have to feel how painful it is to not have dad in my life or mom in my life. And so now I'm not feeling, a way of controlling. This works for us when we're 5, 10, 15, but now we take this way of being of disconnection into adulthood and now we're in a relationship.
[00:16:42] Kute Blackson: As an example, a really good person shows up in, in, in relationship a potential partner, but where we've learned to shut our heart as a way to not feel. The lack of needs that were being met, and now this person wants to love us, and we're like, hell no, I'm not. I'm not gonna open my heart and risk that you might not be there for me because when I did that, when I was five, that hurt too much.
[00:17:03] Kute Blackson: So I'm gonna just keep my heart closed and hold back. And so these mechanisms get sort of conditioned into us from a very young age with good intention, they're just limited. And then we learn a way of being, a sense of, you know, who do I need to be in order to get love and validation and approval? So we learn to develop roles in masks and personas.
[00:17:24] Kute Blackson: We could talk ourselves into a certain shape to get to be loved by mom. We become the nice person, we become the over responsible one, we become the overachiever. We become who we think we need to be to get love validation, approval. And this creates a sort of a set pattern. This creates a personality.
[00:17:42] Kute Blackson: This becomes who we think we are. Now we've become the shape of a person that we think we are, but it's not who we really are. It's just what we've been conditioned to be. And we think, and we often say, no, this is just who I am. And so we have to be willing to question who we are, you know?
[00:17:58] Kute Blackson: And so the version of ourself that we've learned to become, which is, you could say ego. Ego is just our sense of self that we identify with is seeking to reinforce its existence and seeking to protect us from getting hurt, is seeking to protect us from getting hurt. And often because we didn't feel enough love. We didn't feel loved unconditionally. We mistakenly then thought that love is something that we need to get outside of ourselves. Love is something we need to get by doing something so that we can be loved because I'm not being loved. So, if I'm a certain way, I can get love. But the mistake is, or the misperception is that what we are inherently is love. What we are naturally is love. So, part of the surrender is to surrender to your true nature, which is love. As a child, you were, love. You know, as little babies, we weren't like feeling jealous and insecure like we were just love. We were just loving everyone because we were in touch with our true nature.
[00:19:13] Kute Blackson: And so I think if people can make the shift and understand, oh, I'm not my ego, I'm not those patterns. Those patterns and what I've learned to become have kind of clouded my ability to see what I am. And, so if I'm not the ego then, and I'm really love if we can understand that what we are in our nature is love.
[00:19:36] Shanenn Bryant: Hmm mm-hmm.
[00:19:37] Kute Blackson: It shifts the whole game to realize I am love. I don't actually need to go get it. In much of the effort and even part of jealousy is this misperception that, I'm not that, so I have to get that. And if someone doesn't give it to me, then I won't get it. And so even jealousy has a positive intention because part of it is that insecurity and the seeking to hold on because like you, we make other people the source of our loving.
[00:20:07] Kute Blackson: And if you are not giving it to me or you are paying attention to someone else, then I feel threatened because now how am I gonna get love if you're the source of my loving? So if we can realize, oh, I am love itself, love is my nature, and we can start remembering like, love is what I am. I may have lost touch with it, but it's what I am and nothing and no one is really the source of my loving. Not my wife. Doesn't mean we can't receive it from her. Not my husband. Doesn't mean we can't receive it from them, but they're not the source. I am. And I think that shift opens up a kind of slightly different paradigm inside that allows us to begin going inside to connecting with what we are and loving ourselves.
[00:20:49] Shanenn Bryant: And that's perfect because. thinking of yourself as love, like I am love, that's the biggest thing. We feel like this love is scarce, you know? There's a scarcity piece to it.
[00:21:03] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah. if this person leaves me, then everything in my world's gonna fall apart and I'm not gonna feel loved and I'm never gonna find love, and it's not, you know, not gonna happen again.
[00:21:12] Shanenn Bryant: And which one, makes people stay in relationships that they probably shouldn't be in and it makes them fearful of relationships that are totally fine, but ruining it because they're afraid that love is going to be taken away from.
[00:21:28] Kute Blackson: Yeah. Yeah. If, love can be, and it's so, it's natural. Like if I believe through conditioning that love is taken away because often it was when we were children, we got a C, love was taken, we were loud, we did something we shouldn't have done, love was taken away. It felt like mom and dad aren't loving me, right?
[00:21:51] Kute Blackson: And, so that conditioning got patterned in into us. So love, love can be taken away. So rather than I am, and if we really understand that love is my nature, it's what I am, it's the unconditional essence of my being. It's a whole different paradigm that opens up.
[00:22:14] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah,
[00:22:14] Kute Blackson: it's a whole different shift.
[00:22:16] Shanenn Bryant: You mentioned earlier you said that control is the, uh, what did you say?
[00:22:21] Kute Blackson: Control is the master addiction.
[00:22:24] Shanenn Bryant: Tell me about that a little bit.
[00:22:27] Kute Blackson: Yeah. I think it's the ego that is constantly seeking to control. Yeah.
[00:22:30] Kute Blackson: Yeah. Because the ego feels, which is our perceived sense of self. If I can control everything, how you see me, how you view me, how my feelings, my emotions, then I won't get hurt again. Then I won't feel that feeling again. And so from that ego and pretty much most of us, until we start questioning and we wake up a bit more, we are so identified with ourselves as ego.
[00:22:54] Kute Blackson: It's just part of the human experience. And so the job of the ego to reinforce itself and to protect us, it's well intended. The control mechanism is well intended to make sure we don't feel hurt again, and we stay safe. And so much of our life is spent trying to navigate and control as a way to protect us.
[00:23:15] Kute Blackson: And so I think we have to be aware of that. And if we can understand the mechanism that is ego, and realize it's not what I am. So much of society conditions us to believe this is what we are. You are the ego. You are the ego. You are the ego. So, when we talk about letting go, then we talk about surrender for the ego.
[00:23:36] Kute Blackson: Surrender, letting go, feels like a death. It feels like a death of myself. It feels like a death of my identity, and which is why we resist even more. And so I don't think that the drive for control is bad. It's just, should we say, limited and a misperception of reality. So, if we can understand the nature of the ego and what it's trying to do, then we can begin to meet the ego with love.
[00:24:11] Kute Blackson: Then we can begin to meet the ego with compassion and understanding. Oh, I see. I see why I'm trying to control, not because I'm bad, not because I'm, you know, it's just I'm afraid, you know, I'm afraid. I think love is scarce. I'm afraid. I think I'm gonna be hurt. If I open my heart, I'm afraid. I think I'm gonna be hurt.
[00:24:31] Kute Blackson: If I let this go I think I won't be safe. And so if we can understand the positive intention and then begin to meet our fear, meet our ego, hold ourselves with loving and tenderness and compassion, understanding that healing is applying, loving to those parts of ourselves that are hurting. And so those parts of ourselves that are jealous are not bad. They're just, parts of us that need our attention. Those parts of ourselves that are feeling insecure aren't bad, but they will often act out. But, but, but they're not bad. They're just parts of ourselves that need attention. And when we bring attention in the form of loving and compassion and understanding, healing can happen. Layers can peel, and then we can come into a bit more wholeness.
[00:25:18] Kute Blackson: You know? So I think, I think, uh, until that point, control is often what plays out.
[00:25:25] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah. Yeah. I love that. Parts of us that need attention.
[00:25:29] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah.
[00:25:30] Shanenn Bryant: You have you've had some relationships, um, with...
[00:25:38] Kute Blackson: yes,
[00:25:38] Shanenn Bryant: Some, some women who were jealous, not just one even it sounded like maybe a series, right?
[00:25:45] Kute Blackson: A few, but it was all their fault. It was all their fault.
[00:25:49] Shanenn Bryant: Yes. Yes. Do you mind sharing a little bit about what it was like from that perspective on the other end for you in those relationships?
[00:25:59] Kute Blackson: For sure. You know, the first experience I had, I was 21 and I felt madly head over heels in love with this woman thinking, oh, this is the one for me forever. You know, just, just so innocent and, and open. And I was so open and like ready, like for whatever.
[00:26:14] Kute Blackson: And I think because I was so sure she was it, um, I couldn't imagine an alternative. And so I was willing to do whatever it took to heal myself, and so I just didn't see and understand certain things at 20, 21 years old. And, and, and, and so as an example, on the surface, we would go out to lunch or dinner or somewhere and she would lose it. I didn't even know why the hell she lost it. And then when we would get home, she'd be like, you were flirting with that woman and you were, I'm like, I didn't even speak to, like, I didn't even speak to that woman. I'm like, I, I have literally, no, I sincerely have no idea what the hell she was talking I about.
[00:27:03] Shanenn Bryant:
[00:27:03] Kute Blackson: But it was like, I saw you flirting with her. You were flirting with her all night. I'm like, what is she talking about? I literally barely spoke to the person, and so this would go on, and then, I mean this was, this was a really extreme, example, but it, I was with this woman for about four years, and so it became worse and worse every time we went out.
[00:27:25] Kute Blackson: I got to the point where I was literally afraid because whenever she would have her moment, we would argue for days. We wouldn't have sex for weeks. I mean, it was, it was a, it was a hell.
[00:27:38] Shanenn Bryant: It changed you!
[00:27:40] Kute Blackson: Completely changed who I was because eventually I got so afraid cause I loved her, you know?
[00:27:46] Kute Blackson: And I got so afraid of triggering her and upsetting her, and then it triggered my own childhood things of feeling so responsible for my mother, i.e. a woman in my life. And so I don't wanna hurt her because now I'm the source of her pain and I don't wanna feel that because all of my childhood stuff with my mom and my dad. And so I began to feel so afraid and not feel like myself, and I began to just shrink my light and shrink myself and become so small. at the time, at 21 years old. And I remember going out and I was just, my energy was like this, and I couldn't win either way. I look back and laugh now because I, my energy was like this, and we'd go out and I'd be literally
[00:28:27] Shanenn Bryant: For those of you who can't see Kute, he's got his hands over his eyes, and I've talked about this so many times. This is how my husband got too, where he's felt like I can't look anywhere.
[00:28:38] Kute Blackson: I can't look anywhere. And then she was like, oh why you not looking anywhere? What now? I couldn't win. Now I'm not looking anywhere. Then she was, you're not looking anywhere, something's going on. You are really looking, but, but you're looking energetically. I'm like, I can't even when I'm not, don't even think I'm looking.
[00:28:58] Kute Blackson: You get mad when I'm really not looking. You accused me, I can't even win. And so it became, I mean, in a nutshell it became really, really painful. And it was four years of, you know, I tried and I tried and I tried and I tried and eventually long story. . It didn't work. It broke up because it got to the point where I did certain things to heal my own patterning as to why I attracted her.
[00:29:22] Kute Blackson: And I don't think she did necessarily, at least in that moment. And so we just, the relationship was unsustainable. And so after we broke up, it was funny cause I'm like, okay, I'm free. And then I attracted another woman. Here's where the story gets interesting.... jealous again. Maybe not as jealous, but, but, but jealous.
[00:29:45] Kute Blackson: And then another woman, and I'm like, shit. Three women in a row. Jealous, extreme jealous. Very jealous. Kind of jealous. And, and it was like after the third one, I had to ask myself, wait a second. I can keep pointing the finger at these women and blaming them. They're this, they're that. But I have to ask myself, why am I attracting this dynamic?
[00:30:09] Kute Blackson: Because the only common denominator in this experience is me. Different women, same guy, different dynamic, different people, same person. And I'm the one that is the same in each of these relationships. So when I really did some deep, honest exploration with myself, I asked myself, what's the truth? Why am I attracting these women? If I'm really honest, deep down, why do I want to attract a jealous women? My logical response was, hell no, I don't wanna attract a jealous woman. I hate this jealousy pattern, but I keep attracting it. So if I'm continuing to attract it, what inside of me that I'm afraid to admit wants to be with a jealous woman?
[00:30:52] Kute Blackson: That was when a, yeah, that was when a light bulb went off and I said, let me get really honest with myself and, and this is where I think. If you want a breakthrough in your life, you have to be willing to stop telling yourself any lies and be really honest with yourself. The truth will set you free, and that's when I said I want to be.
[00:31:10] Kute Blackson: It was hard to acknowledge, but I want to be with a jealous woman because when I'm with a jealous woman it gives me the feeling of needing to be needed. In a very unhealthy and extreme way. When I'm with someone that's jealous, as much as I say I don't like it, there's a deep part of me, a little boy that is afraid of being abandoned, afraid of being left.
[00:31:42] Kute Blackson: Afraid of not being loved. Afraid of not being needed. Because if someone's like, don't look your mine, uh, to an extreme point, which is never gonna leave me, and so I have to acknowledge, which was not easy, I had to acknowledge my own insecurity and my own fear of abandonment as to what I was getting out of being with someone that was extremely jealous.
[00:32:05] Kute Blackson: And the jealousy was feeding my insecurity of my own inner child. And when I acknowledge that, I'm like, wow, that's the part of me that I need to own and I need to heal. Instead of projecting it out there and continuing to say she's insecure and she's the one that's jealous.
[00:32:25] Kute Blackson: In fact, I'm the one that's insecure and I'm the one that's afraid, which is why energetically I keep attracting and pulling in that type of person that feeds into my own fear of my own insecurity. And that's when something shifted, when I took responsibility and started doing the healing with those parts of myself.
[00:32:44] Shanenn Bryant: IT's amazing how on both sides of it, so we get jealous in relationships because we're insecure and we are afraid of being left. You are afraid of being left and insecure, so you're seeking that jealous person. And so it's just a, you know, you are handling it one way and someone else deals with it or, or, you know, reacts in a different way.
[00:33:09] Shanenn Bryant: But it all kind of, all roads lead back to
[00:33:12] Shanenn Bryant: that right.
[00:33:13] Kute Blackson: No. Both sides have a responsibility. You know, to me, relationship is, it's not enough to say, ah, it's this person cuz they're the jealous one. No, no, no, no. If you are the one that's with a jealous one, you've attracted that jealous one for a reason. Because to me a relationship is a mirror. You attract to you, in a relationship, a person that is a mirror manifestation of yourself. A mere manifestation of some aspect of yourself that you need to integrate, that you need to make peace with, that you need to heal, that you need to love, that you need to you, you know, you need to own in some way, shape, or form. And so if we're not willing to acknowledge the reflection and turn it back around to take responsibility and work with ourselves, then we'll just keep attracting the same lesson over and over again.
[00:34:00] Kute Blackson: I say there's no relationship outside. You're are in relationship really with yourself in some way projected outside of yourself, even if it manifests differently. And so I had to realize she's insecure. Geez, I'm insecure and deal with that. And when I dealt with that, it started to heal. Then I'm able to bring loving to those parts of myself and do the healing.
[00:34:25] Kute Blackson: Cuz if I'm in denial of my own pain and my own wounds, then you can never heal it because you're not really acknowledging it.
[00:34:33] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah. Love it. Well, thank you for sharing a li a bit of that personal story. I felt like it was important to just touch on what it feels like to be on the other side of that. Um, so what is our step one? Like what's the first step, the first thing we can do, or the most important thing we can do as we try to surrender?
[00:34:56] Kute Blackson: You know, I think there's many things, but one I kind of touched on it, but if there's one simple, practical, not always easy, but simple step that we can do is to begin telling ourselves the truth. I think so often, you know, the ego, a perceived sense of self, it doesn't want to change. It wants everyone to change, but it doesn't want to change.
[00:35:23] Kute Blackson: That's how it preserves its identity and safety and comfort. And so it has all of these strategies for denial, for resistance, for negotiation. Maybe if I change, they'll be... maybe if I do... maybe if I,...maybe I can keep eating the donuts, but no. You know, it's just we keep negotiating our lives away rather than acknowledging the truth.
[00:35:49] Kute Blackson: The truth will set you free. But in so many ways, we stay in relationships that we know are not aligned. We know we're no longer in love. We work jobs that we hate knowing we are kind of compromising our integrity in some way. We say yes when we mean no, and we betray ourselves to get love and validation and approval because of conditioning, which we spoke about.
[00:36:12] Kute Blackson: And so I think if someone wants to begin the process as a step. It doesn't have to be some massive, you know, life change, but it can just begin by acknowledging the truth. What lies am I telling myself and just sit and begin in a simple exploration? What lies am I telling myself? You can't change anything, and you can't even begin to surrender if you are not acknowledging where you are at. If you're not acknowledging what is. You have to be able to accept what is and acknowledge what is in order to change what is. And so it might be, you know, I hate my job. Just sit with that. And I will tell people, take the pressure off of yourself from having to take any action.
[00:36:58] Kute Blackson: Sometimes the fear of, the consequence of taking freaks our ego out. So, we start playing this game of confusion like, oh wow, I don't really know if this person's right for me. I don't really know what my... we know deep down, we know. There's a part of us that knows any one of us that have been in a relationship where we've gone back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.
[00:37:21] Kute Blackson: Even all of our friends know. Back and forth, back and forth. The moment we broke up with that person, we tell our best friend, I knew that was never going to work because there's a part of us that deep down knows at the deepest level, we are everything. At the deepest level, we know everything. We often just don't allow ourselves to be in touch with it because we're afraid of the consequence.
[00:37:41] Kute Blackson: And so just starting with the truth, I hate my job. You don't have to quit cuz that can be like a little scary. Just, just acknowledge it. I'm not in love with this person anymore. I haven't been in love with them for five years. It might sound like I have an alcohol problem. I keep telling myself, no, I only drink, you know, seven days a week, and it's manageable.
[00:38:05] Kute Blackson: I have an alcohol problem. No judgment, just the truth. The truth will begin to set you free. Then you can deal with the truth. And then the feelings that are underneath the lies that we tell ourself, which are protective mechanisms, can begin to slowly rise to the surface without the pressure of taking action.
[00:38:24] Kute Blackson: So, what lies am I telling myself?
[00:38:26] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah.
[00:38:26] Kute Blackson: What am I pretending to not know? And just acknowledging the pain and the cost of the lies. And I think if you're willing just to sit in the feeling, to sit in the pain, like when we lie to ourselves, it's meant to be painful. When we lie, it's not meant to feel good. You know, when we lie to ourselves, the pain is a feedback mechanism showing us where we are not in integrity, where we're not in alignment.
[00:38:53] Kute Blackson: And so I think if we are willing to just tell the truth, begin to acknowledge the pain and sit with that. It begins a process inside that starts to marinate us in some way.
[00:39:05] Shanenn Bryant: Mm. Yeah. So Kute's challenge is go, go look for the lies. Right?
[00:39:10] Shanenn Bryant: Start looking for the lies.
[00:39:12] Kute Blackson: Yes. To me like, like truth is real spiritual practice. Truth is real therapy. Truth is real prayer; truth is real yoga. Truth is real Meditation. Like there is no transformation without truth. And I think if we really told ourselves the truth, a lot of things would begin clearing up in our lives in a profound way.
[00:39:38] Shanenn Bryant: Hmm. Wonderful. Where can people get in touch with you?
[00:39:44] Kute Blackson: Ah, thank you so much. Um, first I, I'd say check out the book The Magic of Surrender because it's, it's a very simple, I wanted to write a very simple book with like deep ideas, but I wanted to write a simple roadmap to helping people surrender and live surrender in their life. So check it out on Amazon.
[00:40:02] Kute Blackson: It's available on paperback. Buy it, enjoy it, read it, digest it, live it, apply it. Um, if folks feel a calling, um, maybe inspired by the conversation and maybe you feel as though you are in a place where you're ready for your next level. You're ready to heal, you're ready to transform, you're ready to share your gifts with the world.
[00:40:24] Kute Blackson: Maybe you feel like you've been put on the planet for a purpose bigger than yourself. Um, twice a year I do an event to Bali. Uh, 2023 is my last year doing this particular event. It's called Boundless Bliss Bali. Uh, I've done 20 of these events in the last 10 years.
[00:40:40] Shanenn Bryant: I've heard a little bit about this.
[00:40:42] Kute Blackson: They're very, they're very special events. They're not, they're not normal events. It's a 12-day experiential seminar training without walls where I create a very intentional process that is designed to help you become aware of the patterns of conditioning. That much of which we're not aware of, to help you heal them and to help you connect to your true self so that you can share that love with the world in terms of as an expression of your purpose.
[00:41:13] Kute Blackson: And so it's 12 days. It's profound. Um, we've had people from all walks of life do it. And 2023 is the final year. The next event is July the 28th to August 8th uh, people can find out firstname.lastname@example.org. That's boundlessblissbali.com. And then my website, KuteBlackson, uh, Instagram Kutt Blackson. Facebook kutelovenow. My podcast Soul Talk
[00:41:43] Shanenn Bryant: Love it. Yes, I've got the book here if you can see. So it's wonderful. I loved it. It was such a great book. I highly recommend people go out and get it, and I appreciate your time here on Jealousy Junkie.
[00:41:59] Shanenn Bryant: Thank you so much.
Kute Blackson, transformational speaker and national best-selling author ofYou.Are.The.One.and his new book,The Magic of Surrender, published by Penguin Random House.
Kute has been recognized as the “Mindfulness guru that billionaires go to for advice” by Inc Magazine.
With a high social media profile, he has been featured on the Larry King Now Show, Dr. Drew, NPR, Fox and Friends, Mind Body Green, and many more. His interview with Tom Bilyeu on the popular podcast, Impact Theory, as well as Bulletproof podcast received rave reviews.
With everything going on in the world, there’s never been a more important time to discuss the topic of surrender.The Magic of Surrender is a guide to move you past inner struggle to discover the power of letting go of control and how letting go leads to more. Typically surrender is considered passive. Kute wants to show people it isn’t about giving up, it’s about being strong and courageous. It’s about tapping in. This inspiring book shows how surrender is a key factor in the lives of so many great people throughout history and shows how readers can move past barriers in their life to discover the freedom and possibility on the other side of surrender.