Our obsessions seem so magnified, so big and out of control and we let that become "who" and "what" we think we are.
Because we're so focused on our jealousy, we begin to believe it's the only thing we bring to a relationship; insecurity and jealousy.
Have you ever considered accepting that jealousy and knowing that it's just a part of you. It's not all of you.
I even guide you to pick the jealous part of you.
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[00:00:00] Shanenn Bryant:
[00:00:03] Shanenn Bryant: Welcome back to another quick dump episode of Jealousy Junkie, the podcast to help you go from anxious and jealous and your relationship to calm and confident. I'm your host, Shanenn Bryant, and I want to remind you, I'm not a licensed professional and any information shared here is not intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
[00:00:27] Shanenn Bryant: Okay. But of course, I'm always thinking about the topic of jealousy. And I was thinking about how and why jealousy becomes so obsessive, so big. It gets so magnified that it takes over your life.
[00:00:45] Shanenn Bryant: And it sparked this childhood memory in me. When I was young, I spent a lot of time at my grandparents, my grandma and grandpa on my mom's side. It was really the place where all the cousins hung out on the weekends and through the summer. So it was a blessing for my mom that she had somewhere to send me instead of paying for a babysitter when I wasn't in school.
[00:01:09] Shanenn Bryant: But it was definitely a blessing for me as well because, especially on the weekends, it would be an escape for me from what was going on at home. So, every summer was spent at the pool. Hours and hours of playing outside doing gymnastics, like tumbling in this big grassy area between the apartments and playing tag and hide and go seek.
[00:01:37] Shanenn Bryant: We also would go down to this creek. I would practice the balance beam on the trees that had fallen over across the creek. But we g o to the creek and look for crawdads and just hang out. And it was just really a great escape and a great place to be.
[00:01:53] Shanenn Bryant: And it's so strange how something stands out in your memory from when you were a kid like old furniture and dishes and little trinkets that maybe your grandparents had.
[00:02:03] Shanenn Bryant: My grandma had these plain blue glass dolls, and she would always promise them to me and my female cousins. You know, she would say, when I pass away, these are going to be yours. And one of my cousins and I, we would always argue because one of them had this really big, pretty, fuller dress on. And so, we would argue over who was going to get the fancier one.
[00:02:29] Shanenn Bryant: My grandma also made some mean french toast in those big, heavy cast iron skillets that they used back then. Her french toast was just to die for. But my grandpa had this brown handheld magnifying glass that he would keep on his shelf. And I don't know why, but for a little while I was so obsessed with this magnifying glass, like I would look at everything through the magnifying glass.
[00:03:02] Shanenn Bryant: I would look at the ants on the sidewalk or in the dirt. No, I didn't do that try to burn them up thing. That's just mean and gross. I never did that. But I was intrigued by watching them just walk down the sidewalk or in the grass.
[00:03:18] Shanenn Bryant: And I would read everything with that magnifying glass, the newspaper, yes, back then when the newspapers still came to people's doors and they still read it. But I would use that magnifying glass to read the newspaper or anything else that was written down.
[00:03:35] Shanenn Bryant: I would look at my hot wheels with it to make sure, like, how did they do on the paint job and what do the wheels look like? And all the little fine, intricate things on the hot wheels. Yes. I played with hot wheels. I was maybe a bit more rugged, not quite as girly as I am these days, but I loved my hot wheels, and I loved looking at them with that magnifying glass. But I played with it so much that my grandpa ended up taking it away from me because he was worried that I would break it and I probably would have.
When I was thinking about jealousy, it made me think of that magnifying glass because we do the same thing.
[00:04:15] Shanenn Bryant: When we struggle with jealousy, you are magnifying specific situations. Maybe your partner did something, and we magnify that and we magnify what it means about you or the relationship. So, if your partner did look at someone attractive, we make it bigger. We magnify what that means and more importantly, what that means to you.
[00:04:47] Shanenn Bryant: Or if our partner isn't doing things that we wish they would. Maybe they're not noticing that you got your hair done or your nails, or maybe they're not asking questions about what you're involved in or what you're working on or how work was. Maybe they're not asking as many questions as you would like them to, and we magnify what that means.
[00:05:15] Shanenn Bryant: They're not interested in us anymore. They aren't proud of what we're doing. They're not. interested in what we're involved in. They don't care about you anymore. They don't find you interesting. We magnify so many situations when we have this obsessive jealousy. And not only do we magnify these situations but because there are so many feelings tied to jealousy, there's so much sadness. There are so many arguments in the relationship, it does become a major focal point in your life and probably in your partner's life, too. And then you see jealousy as this huge thing, this gigantic mountain that you have to climb.
[00:06:03] Shanenn Bryant: And it becomes all-consuming and starts to feel like it's all of you. It's the main thing about you. It's the main thing that you have. The only thing that you have to bring to the relationship is insecurity and jealousy. And it feels like everything revolves around jealousy and it does get to a point that it is like that. And you start to feel like you’re just this big, huge out of control, jealous mess. And you make it bigger, and you magnify it. And the more consuming it gets.
[00:06:44] Shanenn Bryant: So, I want to remind you that it's okay to be jealous. I know when I first started out, I just wanted it to go away. I was so tired of feeling that way. I didn't ever want to feel that way again. And my focus was on, how can I get this out of me? Like, how can I get rid of this? I never want to feel this again and I really feel like that's the wrong approach. I mean, if you think about it, it's hard to say that you're never going to feel jealous again, or you're never going to be in a situation where you may feel jealous. And I used to hate when people said this to me, but I'm going to say it.
[00:07:34] Shanenn Bryant: There are beautiful people everywhere. They're everywhere. And unless you're only one year old, there's always going to be somebody that's younger than you. Or there may always be someone who's older than you. Maybe they're more established. There are a lot of things that we can look out around the world and go, oh man. You know, I wish I looked like that or, oh man, she's so interesting. She speaks two different languages Or he has such a great job. He's got money. His family has money. He comes from money. I wish my family had money. You know, whatever it is. You're always gonna have those things. And so to expect that those thoughts are never going to pop up in your mind, that's going to cause you grief.
[00:08:25] Shanenn Bryant: So, I think where we need to get to is like, ah, that stinks, you know, like maybe not even stinks. I'll back up. Let's let's not go there. Let's just say, okay, that's true. Like that's fact, I like her hair. It's pretty. She speaks two languages. That's cool. He has money. Awesome.
[00:08:48] Shanenn Bryant: I used to always wish that I had blue eyes, and I was very envious of anybody that had blue eyes, especially like the light or the blue, whatever.
[00:08:58] Shanenn Bryant: So, I'm always going to be jealous of somebody who has blue eyes. My husband has blue eyes. That's okay. I'm good with it. I get, I don't have that. There are always going to be people that you see that have something that you want, or that you're jealous of or that you wish you had, and that's okay. Cause that's just a part of them too. So, making this jealousy thing seem so big and magnified, I want you to think It's only a part of you. Right now, yes, it's so consuming because it's the part of you that's driving your life, but it is only a part of you.
[00:09:46] Shanenn Bryant: And you know what? That person with those beautiful blue eyes, or that person who can speak two languages or comes from a wealthy family. That's only a part of them too.
[00:09:58] Shanenn Bryant: That doesn't mean that everything else is wonderful. Doesn't mean that your partner can only see those things or not have a brain to think for themselves that okay, she has pretty eyes, but who knows what else there is about her? She may have a personality that I wouldn't care for. Yes, he's wealthy, but he may have, you know, something else that I don't care for.
[00:10:27] Shanenn Bryant: It works the same. It is just only a part of them. Like your jealousy is only a part of you.
[00:10:36] Shanenn Bryant: We talked about magnifying certain situations and okay your partner looked at someone attractive.
[00:10:43] Shanenn Bryant: You're magnifying what that means to you, what it means about you. If your partner looked okay yes, maybe you're looking at that person and thinking, oh, they're attractive.
[00:10:56] Shanenn Bryant: I hear that a lot where we feel like, oh, I saw him too or I saw her too. I was looking at them. But when I saw my partner look at them, boom! There we go. We magnify what it meant that your partner looked and chances are, you're not looking at that person saying, oh, gosh, they're attractive. Man, I wish my boyfriend, or my husband looked like that.
[00:11:23] Shanenn Bryant: You know what? Maybe I'm settling or maybe I don't love my partner. Maybe they aren't worth it. I can't believe what a gross slob I'm with because they don't look like that other person. What am I doing? I need to get out of this relationship. I feel like I've settled. We go into all of that.
[00:11:41] Shanenn Bryant: We think that if our partner looks at someone, we magnify what that means and start going down this path. But if you're looking you probably aren't saying all of those things that we think in the reverse. They are most likely just noticing something beautiful, just like you.
[00:12:02] Shanenn Bryant: But when we magnify what that means about your relationship or what that means about you it then becomes so big now that we can't wrap our arms around it much less wrap our minds around it.
[00:12:17] Shanenn Bryant: And so here's what I want you to do.
[00:12:20] Shanenn Bryant: Advertisement for a free summit....
[00:12:20] Shanenn Bryant: Addiction is something that affects all of us either directly or indirectly. So I'll be a virtual speaker at the Healing Family Trauma Summit happening March 13th. Join me and many other speakers offering support on this journey towards a better life.
[00:12:37] Shanenn Bryant: This is a virtual event, so you can watch it right in your PJ's if you'd like, and the best part is it's free.
[00:12:44] Shanenn Bryant: The link to reserve your spot today is in the show notes. So come support me on March 13th and get support from many others as well. The Healing Family Trauma Summit, March 13th. Now let's get back to it.
I want you to pick a spot on your body, any spot. It could be a mole that you have somewhere. It could be on the side of your cheek. It could be your right knee. I don't care where but mark the spot as your jealous spot.
[00:13:18] Shanenn Bryant: And I want you to remind yourself next time you're magnifying, that jealousy is just one part of that beautiful, fantastic body of yours. And you have all the rest of your body and your mind that is funny and courageous and talented and creative. And beautiful and warm and loving and caring. All the rest of you. All of the other places on your entire body and in your mind that you have that is not jealous.
[00:13:54] Shanenn Bryant: You have the one jealous spot, and you just need to work on making sure that that one jealous part of your body, isn't driving your life. I want you to literally point to it, pick it now. Where's it going to be?
[00:14:12] Shanenn Bryant: And claim it.
[00:14:13] Shanenn Bryant: Now I'm going to do what my grandpa did to me and I'm going to remove your magnifying glass so that you can relax a little bit. And not make it seem so big.
[00:14:25] Shanenn Bryant: I hope you enjoyed this quick dump episode of Jealousy Junkie. Don't forget to go sign up with that link in the show notes to the summit on March 13th. I'd love to see you there. And until next time, take care and remember you're not alone.