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Sept. 27, 2022

13: How Men Think About Dating and Relationships w/ James Preece

13:  How Men Think About Dating and Relationships w/ James Preece

James Preece is UK's top dating coach and often compared to Will Smith in the movie Hitch.  In today's episode he shares some differences and similarities of men and women when it comes to dating and relationships.

Here are just a few tips and words of wisdom James shares in this episode:

  • Women often unknowingly situate themselves in unapproachable situations.  At the gym with their headphones on or going out in packs with our friends.
  • Approaching a new relationship through the lens of an old relationship and assuming we will be treated poorly this time as well.
  • He also shares some interesting statistics on why it feel difficult to find Mr. Right and advises both men and women to stop looking for the red flags and look for the green ones.

If you're already in a relationship, no worries, he has some tips to share with you as well!

For more dating advice, check out his podcast, Love Machine on your favorite listening app.

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[00:00:00] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: I've had some pretty life changing events happen over the last couple weeks and once I'm done processing it, I'll share it with all of you on a later episode. But with all the darkness that's happened recently, I thought it would be a good time to share a more lighthearted episode that was recorded a little while back. If you love the movie Hitch with will Smith and Kevin James, you're going to love this episode 

[00:00:28] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: In the movie, Hitch is a dating coach, and he guides men to find and date women. And my guest today, James Preece is a UK's top dating coach and host of the love machine podcast and quite often referred to as the real-life Hitch. So for those of you who are looking for love or still in the dating phase, he's gonna share the differences and similarities of how men and women view dating and relationships.

[00:00:59] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Do you get called that a lot? Do you get compared to hitch? 

[00:01:02] James Preece: I do. Bear in mind the film was about 20 years ago. Everyone still refers to me as Hitch, but that's a compliment. 

[00:01:09] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Well, we are gonna dive in and kind of pick your brain today about how men think about dating and relationships. So I've got quite a few questions for you.

[00:01:22] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: I know you've been doing this for quite some time and you not only just help individuals with their dating life, you help them with their profiles, but you also help companies that have dating apps, things like that. How'd you get into it?

[00:01:36] James Preece: Well, about 17 years ago, I used to be an actor and I was single doing lots of dating and it was great fun but didn't always pay the bills.

[00:01:45] James Preece: So one day a friend of mine was hosting a big singles party. She was working for a brand called Chemistry and had a thousand people with a big singles party and come along, put on a t-shirt and pretend that you weren't there. So I thought, okay, why not? This is a bit of a laugh put on a, t-shirt have a time of my life.

[00:02:00] James Preece: And I realized all my actor skills are very transferable. Confidence, body, language, flirting, helping people. I thought I want to do this. So, I started working for 10 different speed dating singles companies for a few years and it really grew. From there that I met my wife and I wasn't allowed to do any more dating, but some of the guests at the event started paying me to teach them all the secrets that I learned myself.

[00:02:21] James Preece: And it grew from there. And here I am 17 years later and I am very lucky that I can help people during very, very strange times. And I work with many different brands, matchmaking agencies, dating apps, all different sides to this and I absolutely love it! 

[00:02:35] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Well, and I imagine that things have changed quite a bit because now there's, as you said, I mean, there's dating apps and a ton of dating sites and all of the things that people have to kind of maneuver through when they are doing online dating.

[00:02:49] James Preece: That's true. The world has changed dramatically. Originally, we would meet through family and friends and from work many, many years ago. And people work more and more on their own; they work remotely now so it's difficult to meet people from work. We can use dating apps. They're great, but they're very, very fast process.

[00:03:05] James Preece: You are judging people based on one picture and two lines. It doesn't work for many people. And what's happened now since the pandemic is people are looking much more seriously than ever before. They had a really good chance to think about what they want. So now it's quality rather than quantity and people aren't gonna just date people for the sake of it anymore.

[00:03:21] James Preece: They want to date people that has got a chance of a real future, and this can lead to all sorts of problems but generally people don't really like using these apps. They're not the best way, but they are a way. So they've got alternatives, you've got singles events, you've got matchmaking agencies and people are confused, and that's why they come to dating coaches.

[00:03:38] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: You know, we're curious how different men and women are when it comes to dating and relationships in terms of approaches and the way that they think. So how different are they? 

[00:03:52] James Preece: Extremely different? And it's become harder and harder for men to do this now over the last few years in particular. Men were always nervous about approaching women, whether it's online or in real life. But now, for various reasons, maybe the me-too movement, maybe people are bit more clueless than they used to be, they aren't sure how to approach and women make it very hard to be approached as well. Women say to me, the right sort of men never approach me. I said, where are you going to meet them? So I go to the gym.

[00:04:18] James Preece: I wish someone would come and approach me in the gym. Men are looking around, I wanna start a conversation, but she's there with the headphones. It's a barrier. She goes to the coffee shop, but she's on her phone, on the train reading the newspaper. Barriers everywhere. So men are finding it increasingly difficult to approach and on things like dating apps at the moment, it's difficult because there are many more men on dating apps than there are women.

[00:04:40] James Preece: So they don't get much of a response. So what do I do? It's the high, how are you comments that women hate? But when women are in control, something like Bumble, for example, women have control. It's the same thing. So people don't know how to approach it. People are very confused and very scared and very nervous of each other.

[00:04:57] James Preece: But I think men have a harder time overall. What do you think? 

[00:05:00] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Yeah, well, I, um, I would think that they are definitely different and I remember, you know, back in my dating days, You would go out with your big group of girlfriends too. I mean, you're not gonna go out by yourself and you're hanging out with your big group of girlfriends.

[00:05:16] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: And I would imagine that that's probably a bit intimidating for men to approach a big group of women and try to flirt or have a conversation with someone.

[00:05:26] James Preece: It's really hard. Women don't realize this. They go out with their single friends or married friends to go and meet people. And men are looking at this cause men tend to be lone wolves.

[00:05:33] James Preece: They'll go out with maybe one or two friends. Women have the whole social circle goes out with them, big group of people and to approach them, it's really intimidating. Cause you aren't just being rejected by one person, potentially being rejected by a whole group. And no one wants to make a move and be rejected, be laughed at it, just spoils your whole month I imagine as well, if that happens, it's difficult for people. 

[00:05:53] James Preece: And women find hard to approach men as well. There's a rule in people's head, an outdated rule that women can't approach men. Men should always make the first move, which makes things very, very difficult, both online and in the real world too.

[00:06:07] James Preece: Cause if you're not proactive, you can bet someone else will start a conversation with that man that you fancy across the room or the man online. They will reach out and say hi, so women dunno what they're doing and it's difficult. It's very old school. I think you shouldn't chase men of course, but you should let them know that you're interested.

[00:06:22] James Preece: Whether you’re across a room, maybe you send a first message doesn't matter, but just be honest and be open. 

[00:06:29] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: I could see how that would be a difficult change for women because we do kind of feel like that. Yeah. Well, if they're interested, they should approach me or if they're interested, they should be the one chasing me.

[00:06:43] James Preece: Yeah. 

[00:06:43] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: And also I think there's this thought in our head that if we are approaching men that makes us seem desperate. It makes us seem less attractive to a man because you know how... how desperate are we if we're the ones that are approaching them. They don't take it in that way if a woman approaches a man?

[00:07:04] James Preece: Men absolutely love being approached by women.

[00:07:06] James Preece: It's such a rare thing to happen, but they love it when it happens online or in the real world, it doesn't matter where. The trouble is there just aren't as many educated quality men out there as there are women. That's a fact. There are more women going to university in the US and UK and Canada than there are men.

[00:07:23] James Preece: It like four women to every three men and it's getting worse. So in terms of going to university and beyond, it's harder to meet men who are the same education level. That's a barrier straight away. If you imagine that at university, say there's 20 women and there's 15 men. If half of them pair up with these men, then you've got nobody left.

[00:07:41] James Preece: It's very, very hard. So you have to go for what you want. There's a very good book I recommend a lot called Make Your Move by John Berger and it's a fantastic book. He's a mathematician telling you exactly why you have to make the first move. The simple rule is if you don't do, you could have a long while waiting for the right man to come and find you.

[00:07:59] James Preece: So, you have to do it. You're not being forward. All you're doing is saying hello and starting conversation or asking a question. That is how we make every friend in our lives anyway. So saying hello to someone at a bar, asking what drink they've got, asking how their day's going. It's not being forward.

[00:08:12] James Preece: It's not being over the top. It's not being slutty as some people think. It's not. It's being human and being concerned about someone else and showing an interest and what is more attractive than that?. 

[00:08:21] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: So you're saying we should approach them. If we're dating, we need to kind of approach it as we would just building a friendship? Just like we would anybody else and kind of forget about the fact that one, you might be attracted to them and two, that they're a man and just approach them as you would anybody else.

[00:08:37] James Preece: You should. Of course, you can be attracted to them. Of course, that could be a great thing that you can have flirtation between the two of you. But if you're in a room, if both of you are too scared to make a move, he's waiting for her. She's waiting for him. No one does anything. You avoid eye contact. You both go away and your paths never cross. 

[00:08:53] James Preece: All you are doing is helping things along in the right way. Even being in that bar in the first place is a move forwards. Staying at home, wondering why no one ever approaches you and then watching Netflix all evening is not gonna help you. Your Mr. Wright is not gonna knock at the door magically.

[00:09:07] James Preece: Although someone did tell when that happened and a pizza delivery came and they really fancied the guy and went on the dates, but that's the exception to the rule. It's very, very rare. So yeah, you have to do something about it and make the first move and go into these places. If you are at a singles party, you know, everyone's single, for example, if you're on the dating site, you know, everyone's single. So, it isn't that you're approaching people that are gonna be married hopefully, or who are unavailable.

[00:09:29] James Preece: Generally, you're supposed to be there cuz you are single. So going into a situation for a single is the best thing, walking into a bar and starting conversation with a random guy or woman is difficult, cuz unless they're wearing a wedding ring, you have no idea if they're in a relationship or not. So you dunno what to do.

[00:09:42] James Preece: So all you're doing is being friendly. And if you start a friendly conversation with somebody, male or female, and it goes okay but it doesn't need anywhere, so what. All you've done is just be friendly. You haven't done anything beyond that. You haven't been over the top. You haven't made an embarrassing first move.

[00:09:57] James Preece: You just ask them how their day is going. Everyone likes to be noticed and people like people who are interested in them. Easy as that. 

[00:10:04] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Yeah. Okay. So you talked about the ways that we put up a barrier when we're single and we wanna date people, you know, you talked about the headphones at the gym and we're reading a book on the train, whatever the case may be.

[00:10:19] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: We're most likely not going to go out by ourself. So how can someone who's single, looking to date, trying to find Mr. Wright, how can they make themselves approachable? 

[00:10:33] James Preece: That is the thing. Most women tend to go with their friends to different things. So the very first thing to do is talk to your friend and have a deal, have an arrangement, cuz there's a very bad bit of book dating advice out there that men have read.

[00:10:45] James Preece: There's a book called The Game. Have you heard of that? It's a very famous book by Neil Strauss about the pickup industry. Absolutely opposite of what I teach. It's not good, but women have read all these sort of cheap tricks anyway, but one of them is, if there's two girls together, the rule is go and talk to one you're not attracted to, and that'll make the other one you do like really jealous and want to talk to you.

[00:11:04] James Preece: And that's a ridiculous thing there because what's gonna happen if you do that? The friend will think someone likes my friend. I'm gonna go to the toilet. I'm gonna go to get a drink. I'm gonna distance myself. And you are stuck with the one you don't like anyway. So be honest, completely honest all the time.

[00:11:16] James Preece: So be honest with your friend and say, look, we're here. We're hunting in a pack now to go meet people. If someone comes over, then you can sort of make yourself distant. Go talk to somebody else. Go off, go outside, just come back in 10 minutes. And have an arrangement. But make sure that you're looking around, looking friendly, looking approachable, because men are looking around thinking okay, I really like her, but she's engaged in a conversation with somebody else, male or female. How do I start a conversation? I don't wanna go interrupt her. They're having a really good time with their friend. They're not gonna come over. So make sure, even in terms of body language. Maybe your backs towards the bar.

[00:11:48] James Preece: You're looking into the room. Think about where you're sitting. Don't be closed off. Make it as easy as possible for someone to come over and say hello to if you want to. Go up to the bar if the man you like is there. Just stand next to him and see what happens. Do all these things. Just eye contact.

[00:12:02] James Preece: They're not gonna notice you if you are engaged in the conversation at the corner of the room, in the dark. So the short answer to this is having an arrangement with your friend so you both know what you're doing. And so you won't be disappointed if one of you ends up pulling and the other one doesn't.

[00:12:16] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Yes. And I can see how we get sucked into that because the other part of it too... all of our girlfriends, wanna talk too and see how he is and you know, what is he saying? And all of those kind of things. So they may tend to hover if you do happen to engage in a conversation with a man that you're interested in.

[00:12:36] James Preece: Yep. 

[00:12:37] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: I think your friends are very interested in, you know, how is he speaking and what is he saying? All of that. So I can see how that pack might be a little intimidating. 

[00:12:50] James Preece: It can be. What I recommend is that you have a code with your friend. So if you, for example, have a conversation, but this isn't the one for you, you want to shake him off. How do you get rid of this. You have some sort of signal. It used to be back in the day at my singles events, a light tug of earlobe or a scratch of earlobe. Then, you know, if your friend does that, you want to go and save them. That's what we did as host at the events.

[00:13:12] James Preece: We knew if someone did that, we started a conversation. Hi, take you over here, come meet somebody else. Cause the last thing you want to do is be stuck in a polite conversation you can't get out. But yes, your friends will be curious. Yes. But they're more curious about meeting someone else ideally, unless they're married and they're just there to be a wing woman for you. It just depends, but they can still help you help each other out. 

[00:13:32] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Okay. So, we talked a bit about dating and I know that that's your specialty, but I wanna move a little bit into... now we're in a relationship with somebody that we have met using one of your techniques. We've figured out who we wanna date and we've made that connection. And now we're kind of in a relationship, I will say. 

[00:13:52] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: I think that if you talk to women, just generally, at least in conversations that I've been in, there's a lot of just really off the cuff comments about men or theories that they have in terms of, you know, all men are, all men are pigs or all men are cheaters.

[00:14:11] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: What do you say to that when women kind of have that thought process in their head?

[00:14:18] James Preece: First of all, don't enter into conversations like that. Women love to gossip for the sake of humor and a way of bonding with each other. But putting somebody down, men in general or a man you're dating, a man that you potentially could date across the room is negative energy.

[00:14:31] James Preece: Try and stay away from that. If someone else is doing it, distant yourself from them and just focus on the positivity side, cause it's really easy to still laugh at things. And then what happens? You go away laughing, thinking, okay, men are all these things and you look for evidence for this. Look for reasons things are gonna work rather than things that won’t.

[00:14:46] James Preece: And I would say also beyond that, I would say women do this all the time. They expect to be treated the way they've been treated before. Which often is badly. We focus on our bad relationships rather than ones that might happen. So, the simplest advice to this is that every person's different. Yes, some men are gonna be stupid.

[00:15:02] James Preece: Some men are gonna be cheaters, but the majority of men are nice guys who would love to settle down and to meet someone amazing. In fact, interesting enough. I think men generally are less picky than women are anyway in relationships. Women have got all this list of criteria. He's gotta be a certain height, certain income. Men don't care.

[00:15:19] James Preece: If she looks nice, laughs at his jokes, and makes him feel good, and he can help her, that's all they really want. So I think men tend to find it easier than women, which is often why in relationships men tend to marry slightly beneath them. Now I hate the idea of leagues and schools out of 10, but generally what happens is the really attractive, gorgeous, stunning women who are high catches, they won't interact or make the first move. They treat them badly, get the man to chase them. Then what happens is the man thinks, enough of this. I will go for the one who treats me nicely and treats people with respect and they end up marrying them. So that's why there's so many amazing women who are left just wondering... where have all the decent guys gone? Does that all make. 

[00:15:56] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Yes. I understand what you're saying. Yeah. Yeah. They, they've got their long laundry list of their must haves. Yeah. And men are probably feeling like I'm not gonna, you know, I'm not, I'm not gonna meet that long laundry list. So. I'm gonna go for something that's not easier, but more comfortable and more achievable. 

[00:16:16] James Preece: That's it. Men want an easy life. They don't want to be nagged all time or be pushed into something they don't do and change their lives. If men want to change, they will change. But not for you. They will do it for themselves. So you can't go into any sort of relationship with unmet expectations thinking, well, I'll change them over time, not gonna happen.

[00:16:33] James Preece: So having a long list of criteria is often, what I call self- sabotage. Women do this as a way of protecting themselves. So they never can meet the ideal man, it doesn't exist. The ideal man doesn't exist. Everyone's flawed. If you did meet prince charming, he was all amazing, you get bored very, very quickly, and then you'll be jealous when someone else is after him.

[00:16:50] James Preece: So, you can't win. Whatever happens. Everyone's human and men and women all want the same thing, which is a happy ever after. Not everyone does. Some people are happy to just mess around or not really sure what they want, but if you're secure in your relationship and you're secure in what you want, you'll find someone who's equally secure.

[00:17:06] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Mm-hmm. We talked about women's generalization of men. What are men's generalizations of women?

[00:17:16] James Preece: They often compare themselves to the women's exes and they find it very hard to do that. Cause women nowadays, particularly the women that come to me, they're very much high achievers in life.

[00:17:29] James Preece: They've done a lot, got good jobs and they're used to being in control of men to some degree. So men can be intimidated by that. And I think if it intimidates men then good. Because that's eliminate these men from these women in the first place, it doesn't really matter. But I think women often present the version of themselves and make men chase. Men do want to chase very much. Men are hunters. Men will go for what they want. And I think men just have a hard time, particularly on the dating apps cause there are nine men on Tinder, for example, to every woman. So they don't expect these women to react to them, to get dates with them. When they do, they find them really, really hard work.

[00:18:06] James Preece: Because the women aren't engaging. Women find men very, very disposable in that situation. And men are aware of that. So men really do struggle to format connection. And part of it has to do with flirting, cuz women are able to flirt much more than men can generally. Women flirt with other women, but for men to flirt, it's difficult.

[00:18:21] James Preece: Isn't it? You can't flirt with other men. So men can't read signals of women. Dunno if they're interested. They assume a woman's interested if she plays with her hair or flick her earring, something like that. Cause they've read that on the front page of Cosmo: Top 10 Dating Tips to Know If Someone's Interested. But it's nonsense.

[00:18:37] James Preece: So men often assume women are interested when they're not, which can lead to the situation where women have to sort of shake somebody off. So I didn't really feel that the same way or just see you as a friend. Men are very used to being friend zoned, which for those who dunno means that someone says, well, I only see you as a friend.

[00:18:52] James Preece: So building chemistry is a big problem. And, and men find that hard. 

[00:18:56] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Yeah, the old one where if you're interested in a man, you know, turn your body towards them or your legs should be pointed towards them or whatever. I would imagine they're like, oh my gosh, like, how are her feet pointed? Is she twirling her hair? Makes it pretty difficult. 

[00:19:14] James Preece: Yeah, they do. Cause women are just being friendly. They're laughing at their jokes, having a nice time being friendly and they're thinking, okay, she's just laughed and looked at me from across the room in this sort of coy way. But really you have to have a whole lot of things in the chain to really turn someone's interest a lot.

[00:19:29] James Preece: The biggest thing I would tell women about this is that men are pretty clueless. Overall men dunno what they're doing. They dunno how to interact. It's not cause they're bad people. They just don't know how to interact. They're not used to it. So many of my clients went to all boys school, for example, and dunno how to interact with women. Dunno how to treat them.

[00:19:46] James Preece: They're basing on what their friends tell them. Their friends will say, well, treat her really badly that'll work. Or they'll say something along the lines of, oh, send her a naked picture that works. She'll be really interested. All they're doing is doing what their peers tell them. And men are pretty clueless.

[00:19:58] James Preece: So I would add something to this as well. It's very difficult to change someone three months in. So if you want them to do something differently, perhaps turn up a bit earlier, pick nicer venues, text you more rather than call you. Let 'em know early on when they're willing to try and impress you. Three months into a relationship is not the right time to start making complaints.

[00:20:16] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: I'm so glad that you brought that up because that is what I think I used to do in the very beginning. Like I wanted to be the cool girlfriend and like, everything's fine and that's fine with me and you go do whatever. And that doesn't bother me. And that wasn't true. But that's just how I would be and I didn't feel like I was being fake in the moment.

[00:20:39] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: I thought, you know, it's fresh and it's new. And you know, I wanna be open about this and kind of play along. And it does then once you have feelings for that person, and then you go back and try to like, okay, well, wait a minute. I'm not actually okay with that. And I'm super offended that you are doing that.

[00:20:56] James Preece: it's too late then isn't it to change things? Do it in a nice way early on when they're trying to win you over, that's it. Cause at the moment you've got your own habits and behaviors. So do they, and you're gonna come together for new routines, new behaviors. So before thats set in stone, nip it in the bud to say, I really love getting your message every day, but it'd be great if I heard your voice sometimes. So I miss hearing your voice... then they'll know to give you a call once a week. That's how you let 'em know gently, rather than saying three months in why do you never call me? Why do you always text me? It's very irritating, not the right time for it.

[00:21:26] James Preece: So give them guidance, treatment, nice and, and steer them in the right direction and then you win 'em over for life then.

[00:21:33] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Okay. That's great advice. Um, if we are trying to gauge, so we're in a relationship. You know, maybe it's fairly new within the first six months or so, but we're trying to gauge if this is a good fit. Do you have some tips or techniques where we can figure out if this is somebody that, is a good fit for me?

[00:21:55] James Preece: It's very easy to overlook problems in the first stages of any relationships, the sort of honeymoon periods. You try and give them the benefit of the doubt but look at how they're treating you. Are they treating you in the same way with respect? Are they getting back to you when they promise they will?

[00:22:10] James Preece: Are they being there on time? Are they getting in touch with you? Are they showing an interest? If they're not, something's very wrong. If they're not doing it now, it's not gonna change later on. So see how you're being treated, if you're happy, If you are questioning every little thing along the way, why haven't I heard from them for three days? What they're doing now? They're going out on the birthday, and they haven't even text me. Or why were they two hours late? So what's going on? Why are they only picking horrible venues and not spending any money on this? 

[00:22:32] James Preece: These are all warning signs, but women often look for red flags rather than green ones. So, like I mentioned earlier, always looking for reasons things aren't gonna work. Often they do. So look for the reasons that things are going to work and that way you're gonna be more confident going forwards. It's better to focus on the positive side of things because it's very easy to make excuses for men.

[00:22:50] James Preece: He didn't contact me. He told me he is really busy with work. That could be true but if that carries on all the time then you know, maybe it's just an excuse. But life does get in the way of dating all the time. Cause in the very early stages, you aren't their priority in life, and they aren't your priority.

[00:23:07] James Preece: You might like them and really fixated and have a bit of fantasy about them, but they've got their life. They've got their friends and their family and they've got their job and all these things to worry about. Yes, they should be treating you the right way. But look at, at the whole bigger picture. I think, well, they started off really keen and they're still just as keen three months later, that's really positive.

[00:23:24] James Preece: And what is also important is to think about life goals as well.. And values are important and interests. But life goals are the most important thing. If your goal is at some point, you want to have children, for example, and this person says never want to have children, or they haven't really thought about it. Don't want to get married. They're not aligned. 

[00:23:42] James Preece: There is no point in wasting time with the wrong person. They can be a perfectly nice person, but if their goal is to go and move to the city and you're more of a country person, there's no point having this conversation. End it now. Set them free to meet somebody else and focus on meeting someone that you are more aligned.

[00:23:57] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Yeah. Yeah. Well, and so I find it interesting, and maybe you have some insight into this because it sounds like, I mean, in a way women have sort of a leg up in the, in the dating process, but it seems that once we're in a relationship, especially a long-term relationship and these things start happening where we feel like they're not treating us properly, they're not treating us the right way or like they did in the beginning.

[00:24:24] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: But I hear so often we let those things go. Like we just kind of put up with them and put up with them and put up with them. Why do you feel like that is? 

[00:24:35] James Preece: Because it's much easier to stay in a mediocre relationship than to start again right in the beginning and put yourself out there. That's why. Maybe we are attracted to them, but they treat us badly, but we're still attracted to them.

[00:24:47] James Preece: We've fantasized about the future and that's in our brain. It's very hard to get out of that, but you're not in this for a mediocre life. I don't allow my clients to settle. It's really important. Settling does not help you. Compromising 100 percent. Nobody's perfect. You have to compromise, but settling thinking that, okay, this is the best I'm gonna get. Or if I get rid of them, I'm never gonna meet anybody else. I'm too old. I let myself go. I haven't got any confidence. They're all excuses we tell ourselves. 

[00:25:11] James Preece: And they're the same excuses we tell us about jobs we don't like. Okay, this job pays okay. I can't really leave the job. It pays too much money, but I hate my life. I hate the job and they stay in jobs that they hate until they retire. Life is too short. 

[00:25:23] James Preece: We never know what's coming next tomorrow over day after and next. If you are in a bad relationship, if you want to try and fix it, give it a go. And many people can talk things through. Communication is key to anything.

[00:25:33] James Preece: Just tell them that you're not treating me how you used to treat me. What's going on? Anything I can do myself to make this work? Is it my fault? It takes two to tango. You often can be doing things wrong yourself. Maybe you've stopped paying them as much attention. Maybe you've neglected them.

[00:25:44] James Preece: They think she doesn’t like me anymore. But ultimately if you can't fix it then end it amicably. Think about how you can get out of it. If you're living together, then get yourself out of the situation. Have a timeframe because life is short. It's much too short to waste it on the wrong person. And you can't meet the right person if you're spending too much time thinking about the wrong ones.

[00:26:03] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Yeah, absolutely. I think women, we feel like we are probably more romantic in a relationship. At least that's the way that we feel. We're the ones that, you know, I wish they would just make a nice dinner with candles, or I wish they would plan something for me. And often I think we're not seeing that type of thing from men.

[00:26:26] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Is there a way that we can pull more of the romantic side out of them or is that just something that's not important to them? 

[00:26:34] James Preece: Lots of men can be very romantic. But it's letting their guard down a bit to be romantic. To be romantic for a man has to go from, I find you attracted to, I really want to spend my life with you.

[00:26:45] James Preece: That's the difference. Men will do this in initial stages. Take you out for a nice dinner, just to try and get you into bed, ultimately. So yeah, over a long period of time, if men aren't being romantic, just tell 'em what you'd like to do. But often we you've heard about love languages of course; we all express our love in different ways.

[00:26:59] James Preece: Maybe the fact they're not taking you out and doing these things, but they're spending time with you, or they are getting you the odd little gift here and there cause their thoughts. That's still romantic, but maybe you're not reading that in the same way. In fact, they gave up their evening with their friends to spend time with you is a big deal to them.

[00:27:13] James Preece: That's romance. But really some men see romance as more feminine quality than others do. And it's absolutely not. It's about again, being nice and showing that you care about somebody and sharing your love. But men find it hard to express their emotion. Not all men, but a lot of men do cause it's suppressed.

[00:27:31] James Preece: We're told as we're young, we shouldn't do that. We shouldn't cry. We shouldn't do this. It's very hard. But when you meet the right person, they should be doing all they can to impress you. But so should you. If they're not giving you romantic gestures, then give one to them. Just show 'em what it's like.

[00:27:44] James Preece: Women can cook a meal for a guy and, and get the candles out and then say, well your turn next time? What are you gonna do next week? Take it in turns to do nice things. Doesn't need to be expensive. Little gestures here and there can really make a difference. I have some people that forget birthdays or they forget Valentine's day. 

[00:28:01] James Preece: If it's early days, give them a card. If you've been dating them for two weeks, give them a card. Doesn't need to be a present. Let know you're thinking about them, and you'll stay in their mind. Cause every little gift you send someone romantically, maybe flowers or chocolates. Flowers in particular, they gonna stay there for a week or two wherever they live and they go look at them and remind them of you the whole time.

[00:28:20] James Preece: So as long as they got that connection with you and like you is the best thing ever. Not on the first date here's a bunch of flowers is too much. Romance its place, but not too early. Y

[00:28:31] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Yeah. Yeah. I definitely learned that lesson the hard way with my husband. He is like, not the romantic type as I consider romance, you know. He's not setting the table with candles and you know, any of that kind of stuff.

[00:28:46] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: But I learned like, well, I still want that, you know, I wanna sit down and have a nice dinner with him, with candles and music on and those kind of things. So yeah, I will do it because at the end of the day, Well, it's still a nice time. You know, it's still a nice time with him. And I think it's kind of trying to get over that fact of thinking, well, if they don't do it, that means they don't care about me. They're not thinking about me. 

[00:29:09] James Preece: Yeah, it's difficult. I have the same thing. I love to do that for my wife. Nice dinners. Even get a takeaway and put the candle out, put the music on whatever the theme might be. If It's Chinese, Chinese music on, I love doing all that, but she thinks, you know what?

[00:29:21] James Preece: I've had a really long day today looking after the kids, I wanna sit on the sofa with a lap tray and watch program. That makes her happy. And I think, well, I want to do that. So special occasions we still do it, but I fight it a lot, but that's not, cuz it's not being romantic. It's just that life gets in the way sometimes. As long as you do make time that's important. I have a lot of pressure on me to be romantic. It's my job. And I'm probably not romantic enough. It's difficult, but I think I still have to set the bar don't I for everybody else out there, all my clients. 

[00:29:49] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Mm-hmm um, okay, so last question. I find it interesting. And maybe you experience this as well, where, you know, men and women are trying to get together all the time and that's what you're helping them do.

[00:30:04] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: But then at the same time, it almost feels like this, this war of the genders where, you know, men have all of these things that they think and feel sort of in a negative way about women and women do the same thing with men. So how, how do we manage all that? Where it's kind of like we're picking on each other but we wanna be together?

[00:30:25] James Preece: Yeah. Again, importantly, you don't settle and you don't tolerate bad behavior, but take things really, really slowly, right? From a start, enjoy the process of getting to know each other without any expectations. If you're on dating apps, don't talk for weeks and weeks and weeks before you meet someone, get on with it, meet them in real life.

[00:30:42] James Preece: Just get on with it. See what happens. Be open minded with this. Don't expect someone to treat you badly. If they don't text you back for a couple of hours, don't assume that they're not interested or they're playing hard to get. Maybe they're just a bit busy. I have so many clients do that. They will say I haven't heard from her for two days.

[00:30:57] James Preece: I haven't heard from her for two minutes. What do I do? But she's gone on holiday with her friends. Okay. She'll still texting you pictures. So really give people the chance, give them the opportunity just to grow. And don't go into us expecting to be hurt or disappointed or annoyed and think about, as always, look for the green flags and think, what can I achieve from this?

[00:31:14] James Preece: Is there a possibility this could be the one? And then when you start looking for the good signs, it will become all perfectly wonderful and together. It's about communication. Be honest with each other, right from the start. If something's annoying you, tell them if you don't think they're the right person for you. Don't stay with them just to be nice. Your time is very valuable. There is the right person out there for everybody, but you have to put yourself in that situation. Give people opportunities and create them yourself. 

[00:31:40] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Yeah. I love it. Look for the green flags, not the red flags. 

[00:31:43] James Preece: Yeah. It's really important. 

[00:31:47] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Awesome. Well, James Preece, thanks for spending some time with us. 

[00:31:51] James Preece: You're welcome. Thank you so much. It was a real pleasure.

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James Preece

UK's Top Dating Coach